It's 6.27pm on New Years Eve 2003. My cat has just tried to jump up on my shoulder from the floor... a pretty ambitious feat for a small ball of fluff... and failed. He has since landed against the metal foot of my keyboard stand and run under the bed, so i'm feeling a bit awful and callng for him... now 6.30pm, and he is on my lap, attacking my hand while I try to type this... so any typo's and that - Caspar's fault.
Speaking of Caspar, I guess, leads me into the 'highs' of 2003 for me... and in no particular order (although i'm thinking more time frame than importance here)...
30th birthday: I rarely celebrate my birthday, but for years i've been strangely looking forward to my 30th. I held this belief that people begin to take you seriously in your 30's. Your teens are about making mistakes. Your twenties are about 'repaying them'. And your thirtys are where life begins. So, ok; this year has already proven that wrong, as we make mistakes, repay for them, and get taken seriously for it even when we're 30... but, before I get too much more sidetracked, I wanted to greet my 30th in style. And I think I did. Taking over The Attic, I threw a party for my friends to thank them for, well, being my friends. I decided to invite family and frends. I likened it to my 18th, except minus the excessive amounts of nerves. Don't get me wrong; anyone who was there will validate the fact that I ran around stressing that everyone was having fun. But in retrospect, the night had an amazing vibe about it, spilling over into the next day. I wasn't amazed at how many people felt the urge to comment on what a great night they had, and I was thrilled that the purpose I put the night together paid off. I honestly think that was the best birthday i've ever had, and frankly, it will take a lot to ever top it.
My home; Although i've had two people living in my home with my this year, I really have to thank Andrew, my current housemate, for making my house FEEL like a home again. He has brought an energy back to the house that has been missing for a while, and brought back the notion of sharing, and looking out for each other.
My friends; If the events of this year have reinforced anything, it is that I have amazing friends who truly look out for me and care for me. We are shaped by our peers. Our individuality is highlighted when we're in masses, and our peers help encourage that individuality and uniqueness to shine through all the common traits we share. And I have to thank my friends for letting me know that I am loved and for making sure I don't feel alone. I've learnt the hard way this year that sometimes friendships you felt were real were just made out of the circumstances they existed under. This realisation is about as disappointing and crushing as a child discovered that there is no santa, and that this pure enthusiasm is destroyed and executed. I guess I should be thankful for their dismissive nature, as I often don't agree that ignorance is bliss. But regardless, it still doesn't stop it from hurting when you realise the truth, that there will be people you sort the acceptance of who care little either way if you exist or not. So, to my friends, who 'get me', who 'understand me', and who realise that true friendship isn't about quantity but about acknowledgement and quality, I thank you.
My love life; I used to joke that I had a successful career to compensate for a pathetic love life. Now, every joke has an element of truth, but I didn't realise how much more truth would come forward this year. Let's get one thing straight here; I suck at relationships. I have too much independence, too much selfishness, and too much fear of commitment to generally last at them. But then along came Ant, who is celebrating his birthday tonight, and all that has seemingly changed. Five months now, which isn't long, but is long for me... and i'm not freakin'... feeling comfortable... thinking like there is still a lot of 'me' there... He is very different from me, and honestly, not what I would've considered someone 'long term'... but my attitudes are changing as I discover more and more how grounded he makes me feel... and I feel fortunate to have him in my life... even if he does get drunk and then walk straight into my bedroom closet like a bird banging themselves accidently against a glass window...
Caspar; not even a week in and I think he is just the best thing. I can even feel a more responsible type emerging, perish the thought, and others have already commented that i'm starting to act very 'parenty' about him.
Of course, amongst all these bigger picture items are some more smaller ones... namely, some classic nights out with friends... such as the night out at Dex's with Jacob... or the night out at the final Jet with Michael and Jimmy... or the night out in Sydney at Palms/Stonewall/Arq with Matt and Mel... our the respective birthday nights for Michael and Jimmy... heading out bowling with the boys, or visits from the likes of Seb.. or even, technically, the New Years day recovery last year where I developed my 'gay tourette's syndrome' (visual image: me, having not sleeped from the night before, 5pm the next day, hunched over a glass of Vodka, eyeing off a handsome boy dancing near by, suddenly yells out, "Hey you - pretty boy that dances like a girl... come 'ere!")... all of them great nights (or, ahem, days) out that has given me so many laughs afterwards.
The lows...
Let's get the obvious one out of the way, shall we... work. It's common knowledge that I did not choose to leave FMR. Infact, it pains me as to how loyal I feel towards FMR when i'm sure bitter resentment should've set in. I miss many things about FMR. They are a great company to work for, and there are many talented and fantastic people that work within it. I've learnt the hard way that perhaps some place their career far too ahead in prority in regards to the scheme of their life... but that is something they need to learn themselves. I miss working on many of the acts, many of who I feel are truly deserving of more success. I miss my office. I don't miss the parking or the frequent parking fines. I miss Hungry Boys cafe. I miss the vibe. I miss 'the corridor of courage'. I miss my 'cone of power'. I miss not being able to hear anything I wanted to play cause Cath in A&R had her stereo too feckin' loud. I miss Kylie Martin who uses works like 'Minxy', 'Feckin', and 'Gorgeous!' I miss Dean and his pure enthusiasm. I miss Jules and her 'mateship'. I miss Sharon and Mac, who have always been ready for a chat. I miss Sam Gordon, who I will always remember for her love of Duran Duran AND stressing over late parts. I miss parts of my career there... I miss Dundas Lane... I miss Janet and Eleanor... I miss feeling like I was a part of making music history instead of just selling it... I miss working on Kylie... But I guess there are some times when you just need to learn to let go and I guess I should just see the past four and a half years at FMR as being a big, beautiful balloon that is blowing away into the distance. I've sent emails to people who were close to me and not heard a thing back... not even a reply to say how busy they were and they would talk soon... I've had constant catch ups cancelled... I've sent notes of congratulations and just had them ignored... and you wonder, do you spend four years being a near daily part of someone's life just to be so disposable? I got up one Tuesday morning with a job that I cherished. Maybe four hours later, I was driving home in my car with nothing to do the next day... and that Tuesday morning was the last time any of them tried to make contact with me again.
In all, that is the only low of the year... but it has been a life changing one, and one i'm still dealing with months after the fact. But it does highlight the motto of my year; 'spread the importance around'. Don't place your life in one thing. And remember that there are so many other avenues out there where you can continue to discover things about yourself and what really turns you on.
And now... my top 10 albums of the year... in no set order (spreading the importance around, see...)
Goldfrapp - Black Cherry Sugababes - Three The Strokes - Room On Fire Nada Surf - Let Go Kylie Minogue - Body Language DJ Format - Music For The Mature B-Boy Amiel - Audio Out Chicks On Speed - 99c Gerling - BadBlood!!! Michael Buble - Michael Buble
I refuse to include compilations or greatest hits, or else Robbie, PSB, and No Doubt would definitely be in there... so many great singles too... Deepest Blue... Kurtis Mantronik... Beyonce... Powderfinger... Jet... Britney... Kylie... Justin Timberlake... Solitaire... ahh, I hope 2004 is as musically fun as the recent few years have.
Anyway, 7.13pm now... time for me to get Ant some dinner, and to start getting ready to go out and celebrate the end of this horrible year, and the beginning of hopefully something new and better in 2004. Play safe, play hard, and i'll see you all in 2004.
Fatherhood. It's a wonderful thing. Not that I really know about it. But today was the day where I will probably get the closest to it. Today, little Caspar came into my life. Ahhh, yes... melodramatic phrasing that adds to the corniness of the situation but I have to admit that I am rather cluckly about my little boy cat, Caspar.
It all began last week. Walking along, feel somewhat flat, I ventured into the pet store on Chapel St and started to watch the animals playing there. This has always cheered me up in the past, having spent many of my years growing up with one animal or another around. And then it struck me. If I have to strip away my expenses of late to start to meet budget, which does depress me greatly, then I might as well introduce one 'house oriented' luxury into my life to compensate. And in that moment, I decided that I wanted a pet.
One quiet day recently at work, I stumbled across this site, and in turn this site, and found Caspar. I whole heartedly recommend you all look at Ingrid's site, if you're after a new pet. Ingrid takes in all the animals that have been abandoned or treated cruelly, nurses them back to health, and then finds them new homes. Caspar was $90, and that is after he has been desexed, vaccinated and wormed! A rather good deal if I don't mind saying so myself.
And with no further ado, here is a picture of Caspar and I, taken earlier tonight.
From this picture, you can see a few observational truths.
Firstly, yes, I seem to be gaining weight and look more like a kitten play mound than Lawrence from 12 months ago. Secondly, you can also see that there is an instant rapport going on between my pussy and I (cue 'Are You Being Served?' theme music) and I think I couldn't have been luckier with the kitty I now call my own.
Even on the car trip home, I was amazed at how calm and placid Caspar was. I keep thinking back to my childhood pets, who all seemed to have hated car travel. Johnson, especially, would always seemingly have 'an accident' of some kind and have claws flying everwhere within minutes of leaving home. But Caspar would occasionally meow, and then stick out a little paw (no claws) for us to stroke.
He is, without doubt, one of the most affectionate cats i've ever come across. By the end of the night, he was crawling all over Ant and I like he had known us all his life, and was most upset when I had to put him in his room and shut the door when we wanted to eat dinner. I was concerned about how he would react tonight when it was time to go to bed and he was placed in his room, but he is being as quiet as anything as I type this and I just feel like we've got the right cat for our home.
Speaking of home, Andrew and my respective boyfriends seem hell bent on spoiling us. For Christmas, Ant bought me this enormous new computer desk for my room (which i'm currently sitting at). I've placed the old desk in Caspar's room, and reminded Ant that we've only been seeing each other for a few months and while I appreciate this show of generosity, it does freak me out a little. I know he is like that though, and all his friends keep telling that he is the happiest they've ever seen him, so I guess I shouldn't look a gift Ant in the mouth.
Mark, Andrew's partner, started this crusade to do our backyard too, and even I have to marvel at the state it is currently in. It's always been just this big old mess, but it is actually looking half decent at the moment. Infact, i'm feeling more houseproud now than I think i've ever been before, and more determined to stay in my home. Andrew is an amazing housemate, and has truly made me appreciate what it is to have a housemate again, so I hope he is happy.
Other news... not entirely sure... it is fast approaching 1am here and, since I have to work tomorrow, thinking I should probably hit bed. I know I should write about Christmas and all, but i'm also beginning to appreciate the fact that my blogs are becoming more and more about being on less obvious topics and more on smaller things that make a difference to me. I mean, how many times can I write about going out, getting trashed, and which amazing friends I did it with... although hopefully this upcoming NYE will be something to write about.
But I am a 'responsible parent' now, or at least a cat owner, and so I guess that will make up a large part of my movements in the future.
I'm not sure if I said this before, as I rarely recheck my entries before I type (I don't proof these either... it's just blah straight from the mind to the screen and if it doesn't make sense, stiff!)... BUT, I have to marvel at the difference in 'my worlds' from December 2002 to December 2003. There are some truly sad differences, and things that I miss. And then there are some truly wonderful differences, that have brought out newer and more intriging me (well, to me anyway). But regardless, it feels like the Lawrence that greeted 2003 is totally different from the one about to see in 2004. This is neither something i'm celebrating or missing, but more an observation at how much a world can change in a short amount of time.
Why didn't I wake up with a chest like Toby McGuires?
That's the question I had after this weekend.
I had wondered why I was so tired on Sunday.
And on Monday morning... the pieces all kind of feel into place.
Tiredness. Strange mark on my finger. Slightly tripped out feeling... My finger had been nibbled on by a spider.
Of course, I have no idea what type of spider. I'm knocking wood that it wasn't a red back, or else we could probably safer assume I would be dead by now. But I first noticed the strange itchy mark on my right hand index finger on Saturday night.
Enticed by Andrew's BBQ, and the fact that we seem to be using it on a regular basis lately, I probably was bitten during dinner without realising it. Yes, the sausages were that good (honey and sun dried tomato, or something along those lines... just delicious!)
Then on Sunday... I knew something wasn't right but I just couldn't put my (ahem) finger on it. I was really tired. So tired, I found it hard to stay awake. I caught up with English friend Jason for coffee along with Micheal and Ant, and even checked out some cute furry animals down Chapel Street afterwards, but spent the majority of the day sleeping or in a lazy horizontal position.
Monday morning... it all clicked... and I knew what it was before I even walked into the doctors office. Giving me medication, he warned me that the skin on my finger was likely to get worse before it got better over the next few days, and I was just to keep an eye on myself incase of any unusual side effects. Ahh, the joy of it all.
Speaking of joy... i've decided that it is time for me to get a pet. I feel that, with my necessary 'cutting back' to meet budget requirements in the new year (which will include not going out nearly as much), a loving and doting pet might be just what I need to give me that additional 'sense of purpose'. Ant and I started looking at some kittens the other day, and I think I just need to make some 'kitten-proofing' measures to the house and then i'm right to go. I've even thought of a name for the animal... but I'm not going to say yet until I actually get it (incase the name actually doesn't suit the pet!)
Christmas this Thursday. Ant and I had tried to make a batch of our White Chocolate and Macadamia Nut Brownies the other day, but between using salted butter, white Dove chocolate with salt and adding extra salt, they went from being delicious brownies to 'salty whities'. I've decided maybe I should just buy token gifts for siblings just to get it out of the way instead of the hassle of potential food poisoning with excessive salt levels.
#1. I'm worried... in a good way... about my friend Seb, better known to the world as DJ Kinky, who has the habit of creating the most amusing and interesting conversational links. First off there was, "Puppies! They're great! They're just like real dogs but smaller!" Then there was, "Isn't women's basketball great? Now it gives tall women something to do on the weekend!" Not long after his last visit to Melbourne, I was sms'd "And what's with the mating cycle of the Lithuanian bumblebee? How do they find the time for personal grooming?" ...and finally today, I received "...and what's the deal with topography? Sure, it's useful for finding caves..." Let's face it, the man is a comic genius!
#2 I worry... in a frightened way... about my boyfriend Ant telling me that one of my Christmas presents requires a trollie to get it to my house, along with a delivery van. I haven't bought him anything yet. The sound 'eck!' and the words 'wha?' tend to spring to mind trying to figure out what to get him too...
#3 I worry... in a frustrated way... about how many people can actually send me bloody Queer Eye doing the Saddam make over... ok, once is fine... three times is expected... but TEN TIMES IN TWO DAYS!!! OK, I GET IT ALREADY!!!
#4 I worry... in an upsetting way... about my finances... I officially spend more than I earn... and I have now reached the point where I need to start stripping away the luxuries that I have come to expect for so long. I have to admit - I HATE living in a way where I have to take account of every cent spent. I hate potentially not being able to go out to enjoy a meal with friends because I can't afford it. I hate being forced into a position of being stuck at home when I would rather go out and par-tay. And I curse my independence for not always allowing myself to take others kind and generous offers up. But at the end of the day, there are so many others far worse off than me, and so I should always look around me and count my blessings. I have a fantastic circle of friends... a wonderful family... a home with a fantastic location and an awesome housemate... a doting boyfriend... and a job. Sure, I have financial debt and need to be very careful, but in the scheme of things, this WILL be temporary and my life will go on. In a few years time, I will be over my debt... but I will always have my friends.
#5 I worry... in a puzzled way... about spam that advertises about how to get rid of spam... go figure!
#6 I worry... in a 'am I losing my credibility way'... over the fact that I really don't mind the new Britney Spears album, 'In The Zone'. I mean, come on... even the name sucks... but there are some surprisingly awesome pop on this album. Some crap too, but hey - it is Britney now...
#7 I worry... in a 'keep alcohol away from me' way... about what pictures seem to be coming forward from Micheal and Matt's housewarming last Saturday night. I guess the moral is; keep alcohol, stuffed toys, a bag of sugar (yes, sugar... it was all for visual effect) and a digital camera away from me or else this happens:
#8 I worry... in a 'it must be obvious' way... about how 'obvious' I must be. I've always thought that I came across fairly 'average'. Not too camp. Not too 'butch'. Not too anything other than an everyday kind of guy. But I have to laugh at a recent conversation in the kitchen at work. Keep in mind that I have only been there for a couple of months now, and generally keep my private life fairly much to myself. Cheryl, who the conversation happened with, is actually really lovely... which makes me laugh about it all the more. Either way, I was preparing lunch, microwaving a quiche that Ant had made for me.
Cheryl: Oh, what are you having for lunch? Me: Quiche! Cheryl: (Looking in microwave as I open the door) Ahhh, that smells amazing! Me: It's the fringe benefit of having a partner who is a chef. Cheryl: Oh really? Where does he work? (awkward silence as she realises what she said) ...or she? This isn't awkward now, is it? Me: (Laughing) HE works on King St...
I've got too much life running through my veins going to waste...
We all love a bit of Robbie once in a while... and tonight was an extra special night. Although I missed Machine Gun Fellatio (just what time did they go on?), I did manage to catch Duran Duran, who proved that some things do truly get better with age. Although they didn't play my favourite ('I Don't Want Your Love'... trust me to go with the single that never really did much...), they did get the crowd perfectly warmed up for Robbie. And I have to admit that, while some of the recent photos haven't been too kind, they didn't look too bad at all on the big screens. Their set also just reinforced how many classics they have written, and you have to love any bad that can still do the 80's rock/pop poses and have you screaming for more. On stage, they were everything I wanted them to be and I lapped it up as a result. Infact, i'm disappointed that I didn't go to the Metro to see the seperate show cause I could easily sit through their set again. While we're at it, check out this:
Jumping to Robbie... well, the man just keeps getting better and better with each performance that I see. To think that I saw this man performing at Salt Nightclub a few years back... then move to Rod Laver Arena... and now to playing stadium sized venues is rather amusing and rewarding at the same time... but I jump too far ahead, although i'm not entirely sure of being able to articulate all the things I felt tonight... but i'm trying cause I feel the need to.
Oh, and it has to be commented that we had really really crap seats. I learned one lesson tonight - if you see a concert at Colonial, standing is always going to be better than spending the night hunched, trying to see the screen from under the base of the concrete seats that hang overhead. Trust me on this one. I did go up to the guard and ask, since there was plenty of room in the general admission, if we could relocate to there. "Not possible", he says. "But we can't see for shit!", I reply. "Mate, everyone is in the same boat", was the oracles reply. "Actually, no", I started, "The row in front of us have a remarkably better view and it gets even better as you move forward. We're not all in the same boat." Still, nothing that can be done although I am contemplating a complaint letter. I mean, why get 'exclusive pre-sale tickets' that cost $120 only to see Robbie look like an ant and end up getting back pains from spending all night trying to see half a screen?
Even with shit seats and everything though, Robbie was still a majestic experience. The set pretty much followed his recent Knebworth DVD, with 'Hot Fudge' removed and the inclusion of 'Sexed Up' into the set, whic especially thrilled me, being a personal fave from the last album...
But anyway, who should be sitting no more than a few rows away from me than some old FMR work mates. And it got me thinking tonight, which is often not a good thing lately. Get me thinking and I think of things that tend to make me feel like i've been a bit of a fool. And it's not self pity or anything like that... it just reinforces some of the lessons that I think I needed to learn this year... and this year, I think it has all been about 'letting go'.
I look at it this way... every year, at the end of the year, I think back over the past 12 months and try to devise some 'motto' of potentially reoccuring themes that I can utilise in my future. In the past, some motto's have been along the lines of 'no right or wrong steps, only steps forward'... or last years was about learning to 'be'... to 'be' in the moment.... to 'be' who I am... not trying to think ahead too much... not trying to be something that i'm not too much... but just 'be'.
Recently, a friend of mine and I were talking about 'friendship', and about how much I appreciate friendships, and how I like to invest in them, and how I felt that in recent times, I had invested energy into certain friendships that had, perhaps, been a waste of energy. And on this occasional, Mel said something that got me thinking. She was telling me about how close she used to be to someone but now, this someone just doesn't seem to want to know her, no matter how much time and energy she had invested into their friendship and how she just cared and doted on this person. And then she said, 'I guess I just have to accept that we were friends for a reason and that perhaps that reason isn't there anymore.'
And it got me thinking, and realising perhaps how much of a fool I had been... a fool because I had honestly thought some of the people from my past were my friends, when the reality of the situation was that it was the situation that kept the friendship there and nothing more. I honestly respected these people, actively seeking their approval and thoughts, and I feel a fool that I realise now I was never going to be an interest to them. I was a passing concern, and I think this upsets and disappoints me more than anything else that has been stripped from me this year. Obviously, i'm referring to certain people who I worked with at a former company... and while some remain loyal and friendly, I can't help but feeling that others have turned their back on me... perhaps even embarrassed for me... who knows? Needless to say, it just seems to put a lot of the themes i'm realising this year is about into more perspective, and helps me learn some more important lessons in my life.
But i'm not to be down about this. While the 'rejection' does hurt and disappoint me, I need to accept that I can never be 'everything to everyone', and move on from it... or at least try to learn to let it all go. I mean, why people become friends has always fascinated me anyway, and why there are some people who I admire and seek the approval of while there are others who I can just relax around still confounds me and makes me feel even more like the walking contradiction that I am.
But more importantly, this whole year has reminded me that there are people out there who I do make a difference to, and who do treat me with respect, dignity, and acknowledge me for the individual I am.
I wanted to go on a bit about Robbie here... i've often felt an affinity with Mr Williams. From the moment I first saw him perform 'Could It Be Magic?', I was fascinated with the man. Sure, I was attracted to him but this isn't what it was about. It was the expressiveness of his face... the attitude... the personality... I stated clearly from day one that I thought Robbie was a star and had several friends laugh at me cause he 'didn't write anything', and that clearly Gary Barlow was the one that was to go on to bigger and better things...
And then he didn't. And Robbie did. And has continued to.
And it felt like a verification that I knew what I was on about. Don't get me wrong here... i'm not trying to make out some 'I discovered Robbie' bullshit here... there are several thousand Robbie fans created with the 'Could It Be Magic?' filmclip... but there are moments in his music where I feel he and I are on such similar roads in our lives... from the triumphs to the vulnerability, from the success to the shame... I definitely feel what he says in his lyrics and more than anything, i'm thankful that he has the courage to write what he honestly feels as opposed to what he thinks we might want to hear. That's the sign of a great writer, and when coupled with a natural born performer, it's explosive.
And although I don't think my career has continued in the same way his has, I can only hope that perhaps my own 'Colonial' or 'Knebworth' is still yet to come, and that the people who I thought I meant something to in the past can honestly just fade to become the memories they personally prefer they are to me.
I can't help but think that this year is all about being forced more onto the road less travelled than choosing it necessarily. But, wish me luck as you wave me goodbye...
#1. I am left handed... and a bit of a proud southpaw.
#2. On the phone, most people do not hear the name 'Lawrence' properly. They seem to hear Brian, Warren, Morris, and lately Mark... not sure how... but they do. One conversation the other day went something like this:
Me: Welcome to CDFA. Lawrence speaking.
Customer: Sorry, what was your name?
Me: Lawrence.
Customer: Ryan?
Me: Law-rence.
Customer: Brian?
Me: LAW-RENCE.
Customer: ok. I'd like to order some CD's.
...It has now become a reoccuring joke amongst my co-workers.
#3. When I was growing up, my childhood idol was (ahem) Billy Joel. And to this day, I still own every album he has released.
#4. When I was a teenager, I phoned Michael Hutchence up in his room and chatted to him for 20 minutes.
#5. When I was in primary school, I would write and perform small plays for my class mates. I was a nerd.
#6. When I was a child, I wrote a book about my two cats getting married. ...explains a lot really, doesn't it...
#7. My nickname 'Lol' was given to me by my sister when I was very young. It came from the song 'My Boy Lollipop'. To this day, and long before internet jargon, my close friends and family call me 'Lol'.
#8. I find cows and chickens incredibly funny. I find people in cow and chicken outfits even funnier.
#9. I have a stuffed chicken that a friend Kieran bought me for my birthday once. He came from Ikea. He had a collar around his neck with the name 'Honan' on it. We call him 'Honan the Chickerian'.
#10. When I was a child, I could not stand the smell of popcorn.
#11. I pass out at the sight of blood, and refuse to watch horror films because of it.
#12. Although a James Bond fan, i've never seen 'License To Kill' thanks to my hatred of Timothy Dalton's Bond.
#13. I studied Psychology and English Literature at Uni.
#14. I took acting classes as a child at Judy Bank's School Of Television And Dramatic Art. My mother kindly worked hard to pay for these classes. I'm beginning to suspect that I was an ungrateful child.
#15. I have a quarter finished book on my hard drive that I should get around to finishing one day.
#16. I spend far too many weekends out nowadays.
#17. I have a phobia of domes but i'm getting better with it.
#18. I once upset English popstar Louise by accidently calling her a 'slapper in a mid-drift'.
#19. I hate slappers in mid-drifts.
#20. I once dated a comedian who is now on a network television comedy programme.
