It's 6.27pm on New Years Eve 2003. My cat has just tried to jump up on my shoulder from the floor... a pretty ambitious feat for a small ball of fluff... and failed. He has since landed against the metal foot of my keyboard stand and run under the bed, so i'm feeling a bit awful and callng for him... now 6.30pm, and he is on my lap, attacking my hand while I try to type this... so any typo's and that - Caspar's fault.
Speaking of Caspar, I guess, leads me into the 'highs' of 2003 for me... and in no particular order (although i'm thinking more time frame than importance here)...
30th birthday: I rarely celebrate my birthday, but for years i've been strangely looking forward to my 30th. I held this belief that people begin to take you seriously in your 30's. Your teens are about making mistakes. Your twenties are about 'repaying them'. And your thirtys are where life begins. So, ok; this year has already proven that wrong, as we make mistakes, repay for them, and get taken seriously for it even when we're 30... but, before I get too much more sidetracked, I wanted to greet my 30th in style. And I think I did. Taking over The Attic, I threw a party for my friends to thank them for, well, being my friends. I decided to invite family and frends. I likened it to my 18th, except minus the excessive amounts of nerves. Don't get me wrong; anyone who was there will validate the fact that I ran around stressing that everyone was having fun. But in retrospect, the night had an amazing vibe about it, spilling over into the next day. I wasn't amazed at how many people felt the urge to comment on what a great night they had, and I was thrilled that the purpose I put the night together paid off. I honestly think that was the best birthday i've ever had, and frankly, it will take a lot to ever top it.
My home; Although i've had two people living in my home with my this year, I really have to thank Andrew, my current housemate, for making my house FEEL like a home again. He has brought an energy back to the house that has been missing for a while, and brought back the notion of sharing, and looking out for each other.
My friends; If the events of this year have reinforced anything, it is that I have amazing friends who truly look out for me and care for me. We are shaped by our peers. Our individuality is highlighted when we're in masses, and our peers help encourage that individuality and uniqueness to shine through all the common traits we share. And I have to thank my friends for letting me know that I am loved and for making sure I don't feel alone. I've learnt the hard way this year that sometimes friendships you felt were real were just made out of the circumstances they existed under. This realisation is about as disappointing and crushing as a child discovered that there is no santa, and that this pure enthusiasm is destroyed and executed. I guess I should be thankful for their dismissive nature, as I often don't agree that ignorance is bliss. But regardless, it still doesn't stop it from hurting when you realise the truth, that there will be people you sort the acceptance of who care little either way if you exist or not. So, to my friends, who 'get me', who 'understand me', and who realise that true friendship isn't about quantity but about acknowledgement and quality, I thank you.
My love life; I used to joke that I had a successful career to compensate for a pathetic love life. Now, every joke has an element of truth, but I didn't realise how much more truth would come forward this year. Let's get one thing straight here; I suck at relationships. I have too much independence, too much selfishness, and too much fear of commitment to generally last at them. But then along came Ant, who is celebrating his birthday tonight, and all that has seemingly changed. Five months now, which isn't long, but is long for me... and i'm not freakin'... feeling comfortable... thinking like there is still a lot of 'me' there... He is very different from me, and honestly, not what I would've considered someone 'long term'... but my attitudes are changing as I discover more and more how grounded he makes me feel... and I feel fortunate to have him in my life... even if he does get drunk and then walk straight into my bedroom closet like a bird banging themselves accidently against a glass window...
Caspar; not even a week in and I think he is just the best thing. I can even feel a more responsible type emerging, perish the thought, and others have already commented that i'm starting to act very 'parenty' about him.
Of course, amongst all these bigger picture items are some more smaller ones... namely, some classic nights out with friends... such as the night out at Dex's with Jacob... or the night out at the final Jet with Michael and Jimmy... or the night out in Sydney at Palms/Stonewall/Arq with Matt and Mel... our the respective birthday nights for Michael and Jimmy... heading out bowling with the boys, or visits from the likes of Seb.. or even, technically, the New Years day recovery last year where I developed my 'gay tourette's syndrome' (visual image: me, having not sleeped from the night before, 5pm the next day, hunched over a glass of Vodka, eyeing off a handsome boy dancing near by, suddenly yells out, "Hey you - pretty boy that dances like a girl... come 'ere!")... all of them great nights (or, ahem, days) out that has given me so many laughs afterwards.
The lows...
Let's get the obvious one out of the way, shall we... work. It's common knowledge that I did not choose to leave FMR. Infact, it pains me as to how loyal I feel towards FMR when i'm sure bitter resentment should've set in. I miss many things about FMR. They are a great company to work for, and there are many talented and fantastic people that work within it. I've learnt the hard way that perhaps some place their career far too ahead in prority in regards to the scheme of their life... but that is something they need to learn themselves. I miss working on many of the acts, many of who I feel are truly deserving of more success. I miss my office. I don't miss the parking or the frequent parking fines. I miss Hungry Boys cafe. I miss the vibe. I miss 'the corridor of courage'. I miss my 'cone of power'. I miss not being able to hear anything I wanted to play cause Cath in A&R had her stereo too feckin' loud. I miss Kylie Martin who uses works like 'Minxy', 'Feckin', and 'Gorgeous!' I miss Dean and his pure enthusiasm. I miss Jules and her 'mateship'. I miss Sharon and Mac, who have always been ready for a chat. I miss Sam Gordon, who I will always remember for her love of Duran Duran AND stressing over late parts. I miss parts of my career there... I miss Dundas Lane... I miss Janet and Eleanor... I miss feeling like I was a part of making music history instead of just selling it... I miss working on Kylie... But I guess there are some times when you just need to learn to let go and I guess I should just see the past four and a half years at FMR as being a big, beautiful balloon that is blowing away into the distance. I've sent emails to people who were close to me and not heard a thing back... not even a reply to say how busy they were and they would talk soon... I've had constant catch ups cancelled... I've sent notes of congratulations and just had them ignored... and you wonder, do you spend four years being a near daily part of someone's life just to be so disposable? I got up one Tuesday morning with a job that I cherished. Maybe four hours later, I was driving home in my car with nothing to do the next day... and that Tuesday morning was the last time any of them tried to make contact with me again.
In all, that is the only low of the year... but it has been a life changing one, and one i'm still dealing with months after the fact. But it does highlight the motto of my year; 'spread the importance around'. Don't place your life in one thing. And remember that there are so many other avenues out there where you can continue to discover things about yourself and what really turns you on.
And now... my top 10 albums of the year... in no set order (spreading the importance around, see...)
Goldfrapp - Black Cherry Sugababes - Three The Strokes - Room On Fire Nada Surf - Let Go Kylie Minogue - Body Language DJ Format - Music For The Mature B-Boy Amiel - Audio Out Chicks On Speed - 99c Gerling - BadBlood!!! Michael Buble - Michael Buble
I refuse to include compilations or greatest hits, or else Robbie, PSB, and No Doubt would definitely be in there... so many great singles too... Deepest Blue... Kurtis Mantronik... Beyonce... Powderfinger... Jet... Britney... Kylie... Justin Timberlake... Solitaire... ahh, I hope 2004 is as musically fun as the recent few years have.
Anyway, 7.13pm now... time for me to get Ant some dinner, and to start getting ready to go out and celebrate the end of this horrible year, and the beginning of hopefully something new and better in 2004. Play safe, play hard, and i'll see you all in 2004.
