It occured to me that it is nearly an entire month since my last posting, so I think I should officially resign to the fact that I am now just as bad at updating the blog as I am at returning friends phonecalls and replying to emails. The start of this year has often felt frantic, which isn't necessarily a bad thing I s'pose. I guess the sense of often being a little overwhelmed ain't great, but these are the kind of things that put you through your paces and ultimately make you grow.
One of the things I had intended to get up on here was 'the letter', which I never finished. It isn't because of indifference to those that had contributed to my 2004. Just with everything being so busy, actually getting home, sitting down, and having the mental capacity to write something articulate and thoughtful seemed as distant as Madonna actually making a great film; the output could be there but you would have to question the substance.
But in an attempt to rectify this, I will put up what I did write about. I'm not putting this up to dismiss it and get it done, but more because I find myself in a reflective state capable of writing this in December, and as the year feels in full swing, I feel like i've missed the opportunity. On the morning that I wrote this, my mind was working so overtime that I had to get up from my bed and start to type. There were a few people who I had a really clear perspective on what they offered and how 'we' had developed over the past year. There were so many others that I could recognize as being crucial to my 2004, but some times the contribution was a little more subtle although no less vital. Some times, it was about the development of our relationship, like the one I feel 2004 offered me with many of my siblings. I think, having seen me begin to settle down in 2004 with Ant, they felt I was perhaps a little more identifiable, although I am also the first to admit that, since I play my 'roles', I would've only allowed certain elements of me to be on display in certain situations. I'm not entirely sure who gatekeeps these roles or why they're there, but I guess i'm not prepared to sit down and analysize myself in that detail just yet!
So, anyway - here is where I got to with the infamous 'letter' of 2004...
In 1999, when the first the letter, it has become known, it was out of an overwhelming desire to acknowledge and appreciate those people who had played a part in what was a milestone year for me. Having always been more on the conservative side, and often not very expressive, I wanted to let me friends know that I actually was thankful for their involvement in my year, and it felt like a good way to 'wrap up the year' and begin the new one feeling that I had understood and comprehended the year just gone. Out were resolutions. In were New Years Motto's that aimed to get in one sentence what I felt my lesson for the year had been, or at least what life had shown me that year.
Every year after that, the letter continued. It was never a 'top ten' list of friends, although friends obviously featured on it. The first letter actually contained a person who I had since stopped speaking to prior to writing the letter, but felt that he should know he had an impact on someone, even if it wasn't necessarily a good experience. It was never meant to be anything more than an acknowledgement, and in fact, many others should've been in there too... but I had to try to really bring it down to those who's actions (good or bad) brought about some change or realisation within me.
Every year since, I've also found myself become more and more verbally open about my feelings, to various degrees of success. I still find it more comfortable to hide behind the written word in relaying these messages, but I automatic switch into reflect mood in December and, as a result, instantly start thinking of those people who played a part in my year. I often feared The Letter came across as self indulgent or egotistical, or that The Letter had built itself up to be something more than what it actually was, and I guess all these reasons are why I decided to try to do something different. The Letter, in short, felt kind of redundant, and sometimes misunderstood for some form of popularity contest.
It also felt too much about me, although obviously if it is me writing to you about how you influenced my life, then there is going to be a bit of me in there too. But I wanted to try to do it a bit differently, and so I'm starting each one off with my definition of how I see you. Obviously, this is all subjective, and you might think that I am totally off course. However, this is my perception, and therefore these statements are a truth to at least one individual. It might surprise you but it also might be 'spot on'. Either way, these are the elements that I see in you that make me love each interaction with you. Hopefully I don't come across sounding too much like one of those astrological guides with statements that could probably be elemental of everyone, but sometimes my ability to describe a person is rather poor although my ability to describe a situation often comes easy.
I then will go on and do the usual 'why'. I guess there is little point in saying 'thanks' unless there is actually a real legitimate reason, otherwise it's just pointless praise, and what does that amount to? Some are hard to write, because my feelings for those individuals have been so consistently static over time. How many times would you want to read the same notions reworded? But I also think those individuals know that word count doesn't equate to the amount of respect and appreciation I have for each of them, and that they already know what admiration I hold for them. In other cases, the year has been a revelation, realising new things about long standing friends that only constant close proximity can permit.
The past two years have been remarkable years for me, but also often frustrating. Prior to turning 30, I had this notion in my head of what my 30's was going to be, and felt strongly that the 20's was all about developing my career and the 30's was where it was going to catapult based on what I had crafted the decade before. And while my 30's still is that, I've realised that there is a major element that has dominated my 30's that I wouldn't have suspected, and that is learning from scratch.
Learning who I was again after so many long held 'roles' were removed.
Learning a whole new career, and a whole new other industry.
Learning how to be in a relationship after years of fierce independence and preaching the benefits of single life.
Learning to occasionally accept feeling dumb about things when my mindset all along had wisdom written all over it.
Learning a whole new way I had to deal with issues in my life.
2004 was a year I had not suspected, although a year that is going to benefit me for years to come. I often found the year frustrating, awkward and perhaps not achieving everything I had wanted. However, the elements that felt missing in 2004 are now the focus of 2005, and now that I have got myself off the ground, dusted off and begun to work, I hope 2005 is the year where I begin to sprint leading up to the run. In the meantime, I thank everyone who has laughed with me, talked to me, made me think, pissed me off, given me relief, made me nervous, bought me a Diet Vanilla Coke, danced with me, sat and watched the world with me, listened to me talk absolute shit and not made me feel crap for it, kept an eye out for me, fed me, watched me get drunk and walked into a wall, put up with hearing about my pussies, humoured me, hugged me, given me a lift home, put up with me bitching about my yo-yo style weight, or ultimately just made some attempt to 'get me', cause you truly are the ones that make everyday a great one for me.
And now... the list
Ant - A total giver, and often has enormous problems expressing what he wants. Exceedingly genuine, and very much a 'what-you-see-is-what-you-get' kind of guy.
When I think of Ant, the first word that pops into my head is 'home'. And in fact, I've often found myself saying to Ant that he is 'my home'. I actually enjoy home life more because of Ant. I feel cared for, and kept. I love his unique take on the world, which is often so far removed from my own. He has a quirkiness about him that is endearing, and often will surprise him with some of the things that slips out of his mouth let alone those around him. He gives all he can to those around him, which has often lead to him being abused by more undesirable types. He has been an unintentional teacher for me over the past year, as I often continue down the road of a person who shares a life.
Michael Sakellaris - Genuinely interested in the well fair of all his friends, and will be there for them. A listener with a very logical mind, who is will give a lot of himself in a social surrounding, but is also very private.
This is one of those hard ones where my thoughts on Michael have been so consistent... I keep coming back to the notion that both he and Jimmy's company is like having 'life' around me. It's like an unspoken understanding of each other, and moreso, an understanding and acceptance of each others flaws.
Jimmy - Will seize the moment and do it. Very expressive and very focused on the positive aspects of those around him. Most likely to break out into a silly dance or run across a room just to give you a hug just for the sake of it. Very focused on the things that are important to him.
For all the ups and downs we all have in our own lifes... our own struggles... Jimmy is always capable of putting our minds at ease, if not putting a smile on our face. He really lives life, and will drag you kicking and screaming into it if he dares see you standing by the wall when you should be in the thick of it. Jimmy is a great bouncing board too, as he is so honest with his feedback. I mentioned not too long ago that I don't feel as carefree as I was a few years back, for a multitude of reason, and he agreed with me. It's confirmation like that, from friends, that make you sit back and assess it more, and wonder why you've slipped down that path. And it's also friends like him that will do whatever they can in their power to push you back up.
Lyle - Very intelligent with an amazing sense of humour. Strongly aware of his own limitations and right now, really 'on track'. Grounded. Will openly say the things most people only think, and somehow get away with it. A strategic mind that does not like to lose.
Lyle in 2004 seemed to have this deeper understanding of friendship, which sounds like a horrible thing to say as it implies he never did... and of course he did, but some times missed the points that I would get upset over. The thing I love about Lyle is that our friendship has developed, evolved, and changed so many times over the past few years but it still works, and it fills me with a sense of well being to know that it just always seems to work, no matter how we evolve... unless one of us becomes a cannibal or cross-dressing psychopath, which then might put a bit more of a strain on social engagements. Can't see that happening though.
Michael Broderick - Extremely intelligent, with a mind of a shrew business man and an innate understanding of social situations. Incredible gift of the gab, and can turn anyone around, on even the most awkward situations, with ugly confrontation and negativity. While he will let his mood be openly expressed, can often be a very private person.
I've always found Michael to be enigmatic, simply because of his ability to make the difficult seem remarkably easy. Working with him this year has shown me many new things about this man that I respect, and a few revisions on some pre-existing beliefs I had of him. Firstly, he is far more private than what I had always thought. Going through a real transitional period at the moment, and re-assessing what his priorities are; understands 'roles' and perhaps is wanting to tear down old ones he has previously used. Throwing an enormous amount of himself into his business. He speaks like an idealist but I know that he is actually more of a realist; he modifies his form of speech to the situation. And this isn't calculated either; it's actually very innate for him, and he just has a mind capable of 'reading' situations effortlessly. Far more introspective than I realised, and very cautious on what he presents of himself to the outside world; but again, this isn’t a 'deception' as much as it is an understanding of how to maximise social interaction naturally. Can sometimes be aggressive with proving a point, but often not without cause. Will push people to better themselves, even if they don't want to be. Doesn't feel he is process driven, but is extremely logical and can plan step by step better than most. Will probably hate me saying this, but an extremely fair boss. There is a lot to say about Michael, but probably because I have had the most contact with him this year.
What Michael has done for me... given me a new opportunity. I'm sure he offered me the job at Artisan because he saw something in me that he felt was useable and beneficial to his business, but it still doesn't change the fact that he took me out of an unhappy place and gave me something more solid to rebuild my career, which was the focus of my 20's, on. I've often feared of looking 'stupid' in front of Michael with occasional work issues, but he has often understood and encouraged me. The obvious fear was working for a friend, and how that would affect the friendship. And obviously, the dynamics of our friendship have altered a little, but this is more about me than him (although don't ever accuse me of 'blowing smoke' again...) In his own words, we were friends before Artisan and we will be friends after Artisan, and I certainly know that I hold that same ambition.
Tara Broderick - Lay it down the line and tell it like it is, regardless of if it is something you want to hear or not. Very passionate about what she does, and will beat herself up more than anyone else could if something goes wrong. Knows what she likes and doesn't like.
I didn't have anyone else in my life like Tara, so her presence felt fresh for me. Like Michael, she is a go getter, and extremely passionate about her world too. I felt really awful about the fact that I had overlooked inviting her out when Ant and I were celebrating our first anniversary, and if the truth be known, it was more because I didn't feel it would be something that would interest her. But when the realisation hit, it did make me realise that perhaps I don't look further than those immediately in front of me for who I should socialise with, and it has been something i've been trying to change as I feel the 'mix' is always going to be far more benefitial.
Cindy - Has a strong love for the 'process of the human mind'. Incredible laugh. A conversation with her will be aimed to make you think. Very positive, and will install a 'can-do' attitude in those around her. Keeps an open mind.
There is something about Cindy that, even just talking to her, you can tend to feel empowered, which is probably a good thing considering her line of work. Another brilliant bouncing board, as you know you can present things to her, and because she isn't confrontational in her manner, will help you talk it through till you reach an action that seems fit for the situation and most likely to work. I also adore the fact that she allows humour in nearly any situation which, in my ideal world, would be the norm. The moment you lose your sense of humour, no matter how dire the situation is, is the moment you should just go home. I was especially honoured to have been invited to Cindy's birthday last year, and to get the opportunity to meet many of her family and friends, and watch them try to sing (well, mostly Michael and Tara again, actually...)
My family - A diverse collection of personalities and 'people types' that strangely seem to gel together cohesively when placed in the same room. Patient with me, but wouldn't actually see that point themselves. Very accepting of the people and things that are important to me.
I keep talking about roles this year, but only because I know I use them everyday. It's not like any of my roles isn't me, but they are the elements that are in my psyche that I see fit that situation, and often the roles aren't controlled by me but entirely automatic. There is the 'me at work', which is often more submissive, or the 'me with friends', which is often very 'open and direct'. But there is also the 'me with family', which is often very conservative and censored. Again, I'm not sure why or how these roles evolved, but there are things I would say and do in other roles that would never enter the world of my family.
But 2004 has seen me come closer to my siblings, or at least I feel closer now to my siblings. I think Ant indirectly has had a lot to do with this, not that I feel my family were waiting for me to settle down, but Ant has relaxed me more around my family and perhaps given me the opportunity to let down my guard a little more. My family have often been very patient with me, knowing that I never remember birthdays, and can rarely get to anywhere on time, and I have perhaps taken that for granted in the past. There are still some of my siblings that I would like to get closer to, especially since I feel that they don’t really know terribly much of me and vice versa, but I’m still pleased with the fresh roads that I felt were created last year.
Caspar - A remarkably open animal to those around him. Often will play rough, but is actually a very sweet soul. A speedy fur ball that has made my home feel strangely like 'a family'.
Even when we got Sambuca, the only time Caspar hissed at him was when Sambuca hissed first. I can't begin to tell you the sense of well being I get when I pick up that cat and hold him close to me, and to hear that purr and feel that wet little nose brush against my face like a 'hello'. Apart from the fact that they've proven people who sit and stroke an animal experience less stress than others, Caspar (and this is somewhat corny) represents 'the kid' for Ant and I. Both Sambuca and Caspar are our kids, and we love them wholeheartedly (although Sambuca does have the absolute worst flatulance i've ever experienced on a cat.)
Micheal Ritchie - Open book. Very loving and protective of his friends. Used to be indecisive but now he is not so sure. A more sophisticated version of the person most likely to wear a lampshade on their head at a party, and will make even the driest occasion feel like a party.
Matt Coleman - A total thinker. Cultural. Appreciates arts and the finer things in life, but not likely to be 'showy' about it either. Really upfront and honest, and very articulate. Another friend who feels 'on track' at the moment.
Dale Thornton - Will playfully do bitchy dialogue at a drop of a hat but also has a heart of gold. Will look out for his friends and be there for them. A party boy who surely has a Dorian Grey style painting hanging in his wardrobe.
I haven't had a chance to write the last three yet... I will soon, I hope... and there have been so many others, like the return of Miles into my life... or some of the new people i've met through work... or David Knox... or Sharon who I used to work with at FMR, who has been one of the few FMR'ers to actually keep in touch with me and make an effort to see me. To all of you... my most heartfelt thank you, and i'm sorry I have not been more articulate.
This blog has gone through a bit of a redesign too, although i'm working some more on it at the moment. Today - off to Good Vibrations to see Scissor Sisters play, which is terribly exciting for me. I'm interviewing Babydaddy and Del from the band on Tuesday for Bnews, and then catching them again at the Prince Of Wales on Wednesday night. This next weekend will be the last 'vacant' one for a while, since the one following will be a trivia night, Cher, and David Watson trifecta. The one following that will be Mardi Gras. And then over the coming months will be Bette Midler and Kylie. Feels like 2005 is going to have a lot to remember... now if only I could get myself out of debt, i'd be over the moon!
