Hello, my name is Fred. I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion %$#@ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead and an ear growing on her arse will be able to raise enough money to shit?
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are you ?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking person in the magazine!"
What a load of crap. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5AD and brought to the USA by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity. The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, f&%k it off by deleting it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Oh, by the way all you idiots out there... NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY OF TRACKING E-MAIL OUTSIDE THEIR SYSTEM - NO, NOT EVEN MICROSOFT!!! THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY - YET!!!!!!.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
Email #5
Pointless trivia:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee (Hardly seems worth it) ___________________________________________
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb (Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to squirt blood 30 feet out of the body (OMG...!) ____________________________________________
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) ____________________________________________
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy) (I'm still not over the pig) ____________________________________________
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home .. maybe at work) ___________________________________________
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....") ___________________________________________
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine??) ____________________________________________
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?) ____________________________________________
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.) ____________________________________________
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know) ____________________________________________
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........) ____________________________________________
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) ___________________________________________
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....) ____________________________________________
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.) ____________________________________________
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) ____________________________________________
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) ____________________________________________
Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew...?) ____________________________________________
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?)
Email #6
The 27 Top Things You Wish You Could Say At Work:
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t. 2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k. 3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you? 4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 6. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again. 7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth. 9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. 11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 20. No, my powers can only be used for good. 21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me. 22. You sound reasonable......it must be time to up my medication. 23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 26. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f**king sunshine? 2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 3. Do I look like a f**king people person? 4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. You! Off my planet!! 7. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. 8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. 9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 10. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 11. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 12. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego? 13. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 14. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 15. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. 16. Earth is full, Go home.
Email #7
*** Star Wars: The Sexually Suggestive Lines *** The following are all taken from the Star Wars films ...
'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!' 'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?' 'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.' 'You've got something jammed in here real good.' 'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?' 'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.' 'Sorry about the mess...' 'Look at the size of that thing!' 'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!' 'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.' 'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.' 'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?' 'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.' 'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...' 'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.' 'Hurry up, golden-rod...' 'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?' 'Possible he came in through the south entrance.' 'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!' 'Control, control! You must learn control!' 'Hey, point that thing someplace else.' 'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.' 'I never knew I had it in me.' 'There is good in him, I've felt it.' 'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.' 'Back door, huh? Good idea!' 'She's gonna blow!' 'I think you'll fit in nicely.' 'Rise, my friend.' 'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'
And so I sit here, blankly staring at the screen, wondering where the hell to begin this. It's been a couple of months since I put fingertip to keyboard, and so trying to actually ascertain where, what, how to write... it's all a bit daunting. How about I start with this point - in the past couple of months, this has happened:
* Scissor Sisters and Good Vibrations Festival * Scissor Sisters interview with Babydaddy and Del * Scissor Sisters at the Prince Of Wales * Cher concert * Heading up to Sydney with Ant, Michael, Jimmy, Dale, Leon and Jon for Mardi Gras, sharing a 'family room' which was essentially the dungeon of a cheap motel on Crown St, and spending time with Margeaux. * Cath Haridy's 30th birthday * Bette Midler concert * Landmark Forum
...ALL of these are worthy of a blog entry on their own, so I feel in someways that i'm not really giving them the recognition they deserve. But I guess it does highlight a couple of points. Firstly, that i've been keeping myself busy. Secondly, that on the whole, life is good. The last of these, Landmark, has taken up the past three days. And when I say 'days', I MEAN 'days'. We would get in and start at 9am, and then work through till 10pm or later each night. I was warned when it started that it would feel like a rollercoaster sometimes, and there would be moments when I was 'getting it' and then other moments where I just thought it was the biggest crock imaginable. On the Friday, I was intrigued, but honestly didn't feel that I had heard anything that I hadn't known before. The Saturday was worse - I actually left feeling that they were playing on some guilt trip and honestly wondered if I would go back. I went over to Michael and Jimmy's afterwards, since they literally lived not more than metres away, and said, "Yes, I do have a revelation - that my life is no where near as f*cked as I would've suspected." But then it all redeemed itself Sunday, and I realised again that, while I knew pretty much most of what they were saying, it was the package and the way it was presented that made it so effective. It was like they were setting up this jigsaw puzzle but with the key piece missing in the middle, and then around 3.30 on the Sunday, they finally dropped that last piece in and everyone saw the complete image. You could've kinda guessed the image if you were looking on the outside, but the final part, which i've now come to refer to as 'the tag line', is fairly powerful. It was brilliant to hear so many people suddenly just 'get it' and come to grips with it in the room, and it made a few things click into place for me.
Namely, I still say that night of my 30th was one of the best nights of my life. When asked why previously, I would've gone on about my weight being right, or having the right job, or whatever other factors in the world I could contribute to it. But the real reason was that I had discovered how to 'be'. I wasn't living in the past - I wasn't even living in the future, I was just happy to 'be' in that moment. Then FMR happened, and my world as I knew it came to this holt, and I frantically struggled to redefine who I was and my place in the world. I felt the job gave me meaning, and spent time searching for something else to fill that void. And in the process, I got lost, focusing on the wrong things, feeling like a failure, and allowing myself to be brought down, replaying notions that I wasn't good enough, or weak, or boring, or not 'in the gang'. Seems when I was a kid and became last picked for any sports team, overhearing another kid say, "Don't pick Lawrence. He's shit", it had an effect on me that would see me push people away while aiming to succeed to be better than them. FMR was me in 'the cool gang'. And then when I was kicked out, I was back to being that last kid waiting to be picked for the team. And now, it just doesn't matter. If I use the education i've been given over the past three days, I can catch these reoccuring pitfalls as I mechanically put them into place, stop, and choose a better option to move my present being into. And then, when all that made sense, it was like a weight was lifted off me, and I felt this peace and quiet, and all the things I thought were important and that I had gone to Landmark to achieve seemed insignifcant and trivial. I went out last night and spent most of the night dancing, jigging around, and apparently even Michael and Jimmy commented to Ant that the transformation that had happened in both of us was extremely noticeable. So, yes, if anyone wants to know, it's worth the $480 to do Landmark because you can get something out of it. It's not therapy, it's an education, and the range and diversity of people I saw doing it over this weekend would astound you.
Speaking of astounding - Bette Midler! Oh my goodness! That woman onstage is just one of the most talented beings i've experienced. She had me laughing. She had me nearly crying. She was larger than life and just pure entertainment. Anyone who missed the show REALLY missed out cause she was just remarkable. Looking back over the other gigs of the year, Cher was good - exactly what I would expect - and a different kind of diva to Bette. I'm tempted to say Bette was better, but that would be unfair since they're so different - let's just say that they both do what they do extremely well. Scissor Sisters; well - they could do no wrong for me. This was easily one of my favourite albums this decade so far, and live, they were just equally awesome. I think Jimmy was especially impressed with them, not really knowing too much about them, and promptly got the album and DVD straight afterwards. They were just funny, and just fun - again, coming back to Landmark, they invite their audience to just live in the moment with them, and to create this indulgent, over the top, fun. They're not dance. They're not rock. They're not any one genre but a combination of everything and anything that takes that moment for them. Choices, my friends - we have them.
So, I feel I should move on for now. I can write about the extravaganza that was Mardi Gras next time, and about Ant watching me 'glow' as I caught up with old FMR friends at Cath's 30th. Till then - keep making those choices.
So, this isn't really an update cause there is so much to write about... more a "I truly haven't forgotten you and i'm sorry for taking so long even just to acknowledge you" kind of email. This year has just been remarkably frantic - we've already got the first quarter under our belts and feeling like the year is fleeing away from us faster than we know what to do. However, when I get a chance, i'll write about Good Vibrations, Scissor Sisters, Cher, Mardi Gras, Sydney, and all things upcoming.
