I've often received emails from people talking about the world's stupidest criminals, but I never really suspected that I would actually encounter one first hand.
It began last night, shortly after we had arrived home from a friends party. Both Ant and I were in my when some strange noises began to be heard. Ant mentioned that he thought Andrew and Mark must be home, but I thought it sounded more like Caspar just throwing something about in the loungeroom and perhaps getting a little too ambitious with the ping pong balls. I had a quick look out the front of the window, just to ensure that the guys weren't home, and seeing nothing, dismissed it.
It wasn't until Ant left the room to get something to eat that I heard four loud thuds from outside that sounded more like someone hitting my car. I opened my blinds and looked more closely at my car, and noticed that there was someone standing by the passenger side. I knocked loudly on my bedroom window four times, until he looked up and saw me. Giving some pathetic salute, he started to walk off.
I raced out the front, and running around to my car, noticed a huge gapping hole in the bottom left hand corner on the passenger side. I began running after the man (in my socks and tracky pants no less), and chased him up to the corner of York St, which he had disappeared down. I decided instead of chasing him further, I would return and report the incident to the police.
I went into the police station and spoke with a Constable Stone, who was absolutely lovely, although she had already had a rather long shift. At one point, I had a thought 'bugger - I hope all that wasn't an attempt to lure us out of the house so that he could get in...'
Meanwhile, back home, Ant had seen the guy turn the corner of York St and begin to walk back our direction. Noticing Ant, the man made a retreat back around the corner again. Ant figured he would hide and watch, observing the moron turn the corner again, and continue to walk towards the house. Reaching homes a few doors away, he looked over their fence and seemed to be observing something. As he approached our drive way, he made a direct move towards my car, until Ant walked out of the shadows to make eye contact with him. Again, he winked, made some stupid salute, and walked off, before racing up a nearby street on the otherside of the road.
Shortly afterwards, I came back out of the police station, and Ant filled me in. I asked if he could go back into the police station and tell Constable Stone what he had told me, as he had a fair better description of the man than what I had. Meanwhile, I lay in wait in the shadows in case the moron should come back... almost hoping he would so that I could nab him.
Ant returned with Constable Stone, who asked me if anything had been missing from the car. I looked inside, but everything seemed to be there. The irony being, had he wanted to steal the stereo and CD's - I only keep back up burns in the car, and the stereo is on the way out, often skipping the CD's, causing the speakers to cut out, and more often than not, giving me grief.
However, it was around this point that I noticed something shiny on the ground near the passanger side tyre. Bending over, I realised our genius thief had dropped his house keys. They had a small light on it, so it seemed he was using them to see, and when I had disturbed him, dropped them in a panic. We all know the story of not returning to the scene of the crime, but without his house keys, he might be more tempted to. I smirked, realising that we had one up on him.
Just before 2pm, my mobile rang. They had caught him when a neighbour had phoned the police when he was seen trying to break into his own home. I went back, made a statement, and thanked the police for their fantastic work. I did pay for the windscreen today, but will get the invoice and have the criminal in question pay for it. Apart from a few small cuts on my left thumb from taping the 'Country And Western Greatest Hits' album to the front of my car (it was the absolutely ideal size to cover the hole), and the inconvenience of having to pay for the repair upfront, atleast I now have a new windscreen for my car and one more criminal thinking twice about opportunitistic crime.
It's 11.37pm. I've just finished processing the majority of the stock that I bought today at the record fair. I've forgotten how much fun it is at record fairs... Or at least, how much fun I find them.
We got up early, and got ourselves ready before driving down to Essendon. Now, this is a double nostalgic whammy for me; firstly, to begin doing record fairs again after how many years, and secondly, to restart them again in pretty much the area I grew up in. I hadn't been down to Essendon in years, and had forgotten so much about the place until I drove past it and was literally filled with these bizarre little memories from my past... such as the bowling alley where we did 10 pin bowling for school... or Rose St, where my mother worked for many years and I would often wander up and down... or even just how pleasant the tree lined Mount Alexander Road can actually be. Ironically, I remember a second hand record store on Mount Alexander that is no longer there... and I think I may have only gone to it once as a teenager... but yeah; the things you forget until you go back to the scene of the crime.
Interesting trivia fact for you Kylie fans out there: the 'airport scenes' for the Locomotion film clip were actually shot at Essendon Airport. Prior to Tullamarine, Essendon Airport was Melbourne's main airport (infact, The Beatles flew in and out from there during their famous trip to Australia). I actually grew up in a suburb called Airport West, which is west of Essendon Airport. Aren't you glad I shared all that?
We walked in, and I could see the dread fill Ant's face as he was literally greeted with table after table of 7", 12", LP's, CD's, magazines, and just boxes and boxes of crap. I immediately did my usual 'do a lap before committing to any location' (it works just as much for record fairs as it does for clubs), and started to spend. It wasn't till I got home that I realised that some of the items I picked up were not suitable, so I guess i'll have to discover what happens then... but it was definitely a learning experience today. I did find a couple of items for myself, such as the orange vinyl 12" for Flame Fortune's "Sex Symbol". Most of you will never have heard it, although it is a fairly camp piece of obscure Australian rock history. Produced by Michael Hutchence of INXS, it also features other members of INXS and James Reyne, with this female racey vocal stating that she "...could be gay, I could be straight..." and going on about being whatever we wanted her to be cause she was our sexual fantasy. Backed by a typical Australian Crawl/INXS circa 1983 guitar riff, it's pure Australian rock trash... which is probably why I love it.
Then there are those items that you pick up, they look fine at the time, but then you get home and notice a bit of ring wear on the sleeve, or some knob has written their name on the label, or it has a bit of rub wear or a crease... all those things that make you think, "If I had seen that back there, I probably wouldn't have got it." So it does raise a delimma; such as, do I put it on Ebay with an honest description and hope someone will buy it anyway to regain the money? Which is probably what i'm thinking of doing... nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Ant was great today, helping me carry things, looking out for things, and just generally being company and support. I'm sure it bores the crap out of him, but he is being so helpful that I do appreciate it. And then he worries that he is in my way, and I just look at him and say 'how exactly?' He is great to have around.
Well, that's about it for me tonight. I actually logged on first and foremost to fix a spacing error in the previous entry (it's the Capricorn in me noticing something 'crooked' that needs to be straightened, so to speak). Michael returns back from the US this week, so i'm hoping that work this week will feel a little more on top of it. I'm pre-recording some more music review spots with Leenie this Tuesday night for her programme on JOY, which should be great... and i'm catching up for dinner with the delightful, gorgeous, and extremely talented Cath Haridy this week too, who I used to work with, which is definitely going to be a highlight for me.
Strangely, i've noticed my virtual column has actually received less hits than here lately, even though my virtual column is publicised via a regular column, and soon on radio... weird! I placed counters on both at the same time, and can track how many people are coming in... and it seems my personal blog is getting far more interest than my reviews. Wonder what that says about me?
Well, i'm not entirely sure what is wrong with me lately. It just seems that I am in this permanent state of sleepiness lately, which is somewhat distracting. Now, I know what you're all wondering, and yes, I have finished my recent course of duramine. "Was it worth it?", I hear you scream. And honestly, not really. It did curb my appetite, but left me often wondering what I felt like eating over anything else. I would wander from shop to shop, looking at the multitude of opportunities, and often end up with some bio-degradeable low fat muffin and a diet vanilla coke. But the biggest let down was the fact that I was hoping to re-kickstart my metabolism by heading back to gym and I think, in the time I was on the medication, I may have gone a whole twice or something. Obviously, this does need to change, and i'm thinking that the answer may lay in personal training again. Perhaps if I can find one who is willing to do an hour with both Ant and I at the same time, it might be benefitial and cost effective, but I guess we'll see.
A few people have said that it looks like i've lost weight though. I place so much emphasis on my looks that it tends to bring me down very easily, and I find that i'm 'on track' when i'm not carrying the excessive weight. Perhaps that is just the influence of the subculture that I belong to? Irrespective of this, if it brings me down, it needs to be addressed.
Ebay has become something of a trap for me again, but one that I am managing to control. I did come across a copy of The KLF's 'The Manual' on line, and in a frenzy of excitment, placed my bid. In the end, I won the auction, and paid something like US$28 for it, including the shipping. Only after that did I discover that the book has actually just been reissued and I probably paid twice the amount for it. However, it is something i've waited a decade to have a copy of my own, so I guess I shouldn't complain when I put it in that perspective. For anyone who has even a passing interest in popular music culture, a study on The KLF is absolutely essential. Innovators is definitely a term that springs to mind, as they forged new ground with sampling, copyright issues, and even just the audacity of how things should be done. Who else would have a release recalled because of an illegal use of ABBA's 'Dancing Queen', only to reissue another version of the track complete with instructions on how to rebuild the original illegal version? Who else would decide that they wanted to have a #1 record, change their name to The Timelords, sample Gary Glitter, and release a Doctor Who tribute record, 'Doctorin' The Tardis'? And then follow this up by releasing 'The Manual', a book on how to have a #1 hit within three months of purchasing the book, or else your money back? That's The KLF for you... or The Timelords... or The Justified Ancients Of Mu Mu... or any of the other multitude of aliases they liked to disguise themselves other. One week prior to 'breaking up', they issued a statement saying that they would never play live again (although they never did actually play live ever), and then issue a statement the following week stating that they had broken up and that the majority of their releases (which they owned control over) were immediately deleted; thus making everything else they had released immediately collectable. They bring a whole new mindset to the world of pop and pop marketing that is just inspired... so yes, check them out.
Speaking of inspired, I joined the Scissor Sistersforum. Have decided that I do need to collect this band, as the more I listen to them, and the more I discover about them, the more fascinated I become. I did send their management an email asking when they would be heading to Australia and received an email back saying that it looked extremely likely for Jan/Feb... can you say Big Day Out folks? I can't stress how essential this album is at the moment, and if the constant radio play of 'Take Your Mama' hasn't convinced you, check out tracks like 'It Can't Happen Quickly Enough', 'Better Luck Next Time', 'Music Is The Victim', or the next single, 'Laura'.
Big record fair on in Melbourne on Sunday in Essendon... come along folks!
And an entry wouldn't be an entry without a plug for my reviews column - SOLD On Vanity - the virtual companion to my Bnews/Melbourne Star column.
On the Kylie forum Say Hey, someone recently asked the question of how the 30 second snippet of her unreleased track 'Our Lovin'' came to be leaked on the net. In a fit of creativity... or stupidity (you decide... how Big Brother of me), I wrote this reply. Actually, I do have some suspicions of how it came to leak, but I wouldn't want to incriminate anyone. Suffice to say, it isn't me, nor is it anyone I actually know or talk to... we're far more professional than that! However, my friend Tom suggested to me on the phone today that I should post this on my Blog, and decided 'why the heck not?', since it does tend to show my rather absurdist humour in typical form... so, for your viewing pleas...um... for your viewing... my responce to how the leaked 30 seconds of 'Our Lovin' came to be!
Once upon a time, deep in the dark forest, there lived three bears; papa bear, mama bear, and little baby bear. One day, as they sat around their table eating breakfast ('Just Right' seemed to be Papa and Mama's favourite, but Baby bear went for 'Honey Flakes'), a mysterious sound could be heard coming from not far away.
"What could that be?", growled Papa bear, annoyed at his breakfast being interrupted.
"I don't know", said Mama bear. "It sounds like... it sounds like something 'unreleased' by a potentially well known female singer."
"Quick!", yelped Baby bear, racing away from the table to grab his recordable Ipod from his room. "Let's record whatever it is and put it up on the Hub!"
And so they raced out the front door, across the forest, to a clearing not far from their home, where they could see camera crews, scantily clad dancers with blue cellaphane wrapped around their heads, and a tiny but gorgeous female performer set on a little podium.
"OK!... OK!", yelled an aggressive man with a megaphone, "We don't have much time before we run out of electricity, so we need you guys to GET THIS RIGHT quickly... ok? You lot of dancers", he said, pointing at a group who were transfixed by his directions, "Move like you're sexy trees, in speedos, blowing in the wind... and you lot", pointing at a different set of dancers, "I want you to be futuristic gay men who are cruising each other in this 'forest of pop lust'."
Behind him, a firey discussion continues about whether or not blue cellaphone really implies 'futuristic', whilst someone else is being ignored with their pleas that 'trees really don't wear speedos... or atleast not THAT brand of speedos'.
"OK... Our Lovin'... take 15... Lights... Camera... and....dddd....dddd... ACTION!"
A precisely thirty second snippet began to play, as hot men with well defined chests begun to move in a way you would expect a group of trees, in speedos, to wave, and the gorgeous woman on the podium seduced the camera in a way only she could.
Thirty seconds later, the music stopped, but Baby bear was pleased as he had managed to capture his prize to take back to the net.
"OK! Everyone... that's a wrap... thank you guys... let's go home!"
And so the bears sneaked away discretely, for fear they would be caught. They went back home, only to find that their breakfast had been eaten! Tired from the excitment, they decided to have a power nap (like bears ever need an excuse to sleep?), only to find that someone had been sleeping in their beds! Then Papa and Mama bear heard an excited cry coming from Baby bears room. He raced into their room, paws flaying wildly from excitment, as he turned to them and said...
Welcome to the next edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do...and try not to be LAME and spoil the fun! Just give in. Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know *INCLUDING* the person who sent it to you. Doesn't matter if they already received it. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends. It is fun and easy.
1. What is your Full Name: Lawrence John Akers. A more interesting question to ask your friends, however, is what your name would've been if you were born the opposite sex. I was going to be Samantha... (slips on 'Can't Stop The Music' soundtrack...)
2. What colour pants are you wearing right now? Cream jeans.
3. What are you listening to right now? Well, it's a television commercial, and sounds like an SPC beans ad... but I think, listening more carefully, that it might be a 'drytron' ad.
4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number: home or mobile?
5. What was the last thing you ate: Ant made a freakin' huge pasta dish for dinner tonight and I still feel bloated, even though we finished it some hours ago.
6. If you were a crayon what colour would you be: Always with the crayon questions... check previous email quiz for the answer to this.
7. How is the weather right now: Rather chilly... but it does tend to give me a more impressive looking chest.
8. Last person you talked to on the phone: My mother.
9. First thing you notice about the opposite sex: Another popular favourite with the questionnaires... oh, I don't know... their tits or something...
10. Do you like the person who sent this to you: Yes, I do like Andrew. He is a lovely man and we've often gone through many things together.
11. How are you today: Well, it's an hour before 'tomorrow'... but it has been a not bad day.
12. Favourite (non-alcohol) Drink: Pepsi Max, Diet Vanilla Coke or a Berry Bonaza Viva Juice.
13. Favourite Alcoholic drink: Vodka.
14. Favourite Sports: Gymnastics.
15. Hair Colour: Receeding brown...
16. Eye Colour: Brown.
17. Do you wear contacts: No
18. Siblings: Three brothers and one sister. I'm the youngest.
19. Favourite Month: Um... well, i've had some months that have been great one year and then really crap the next, so I guess I find this question kinda redundant.
20. Favourite Food: Probably Indian... or Chinese... or Thai... or a good, homemade, lean meat burger...
21. Last Movie you Watched: (Looks blankly for a moment...) I actually don't remember... Ant and I watched 'Men In Black II' on Foxtel not too long ago but I actually can't remember the last film I sat down intentionally to watch.
22. Favourite Day of the Year: One that is relaxing, filled with good friends, good fun, and solid contentment.
23. Are you too shy to ask someone out: not really.
25. Hugs or Kisses? I need to pick one or the other?
26. Chocolate or Vanilla: Ice cream... probably vanilla... but Chocolate cake is pretty amazing.
27. Do you want your friends to write back? They can leave comments now by clicking at the end of this post. But I don't honestly expect it. It would be a pleasant surprise though.
28. Who is most likely to respond: Wonder if I have a stalker?
29: Who is least likely to respond: ?? John Lennon... Elvis Presley... Alexander The Great... there are many options.
30. What books are you reading: 'Anxiety Status' by Alain De Botton, 'Good To Great' by Jim Collins, and a handful of other books on finances, sales techniques, pet myths, and diet. I mentioned a lot of this in my last post though.
31. What's on your mouse pad: It's an Ipex mousepad... so not terribly much... i've never been overly concerned about mouse pads (or is a collective 'mice pads'?)
32. Favourite Board Game: I'm not really well versed on board games.
33. What did you do last night: Watched the Tony Awards.
34. Favourite smells: Raindrops on roses and... um... something on kittens... um... warm apple struddle served up in woolly mittens... um... bright copper kettles tied up with string... er... these are a few of my favourite things...
35. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? Maybe... more importantly, can your tongue touch me... (someone taps shoulder and reminds me that LOTS of people have access to this site, including family, friends, old and easily shockable nuns...)
36. Favourite Flower: Self-raising (have I done that joke before? I can't remember...)
37. What's the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Where am I?
Now, I know it feels like ages since i've updated this thing... but boy, has Blogger changed since I was here last. I mean, I feel embarrassed for my old blog cause it must look so... Atari... or Commodore 64... The irony is that Blogger now kindly host your images, and i've only just discovered how to upload and link images to my personal space on Iprimus.
So, anyway, enough on that cause I fear I sound like a right pathetic tool. There is this strange compulsion to frequently update this site in order to highlight some development or progression within ones own life, even when there isn't necessarily any real development or progression. But you can't blame a lad for trying now...
I won't resort to my usual email trick this update. Every once in a while is fine, but I think some of my friends are now afraid to email me too much information for fear that it might resurface in one of my updates. They can rest assured that I do actually remove any trace of who the person I was corresponding with was, and in many cases, i'm sure they probably don't even remember it was them... but I guess I should actually try to write something unique for this site (although it already feels slightly reminiscent of previous posts where I complain about my inability to do regular updates. Deja vu all round really.)
So... let me see... we'll get the basics out the way cause they're the whole 'foundation of my world' and that la la... work; good... home life; great... health; excellent... gym; pathetic... all good.
Now... an insight into the books next to my bed... I still have the same from the last update (I think) with a couple more thrown on that I may never get around to reading... Alain De Botton has a new book out called 'Status Anxiety' and it has been a great read so far. Obviously, being a Capricorn, and having the rather challenging year I did last year, I can appreciate the topic enormously. Capricorns tend to love status. We love feeling admired and respected (although, it is safe to assume most people do). We definitely don't like to think that people would be ashamed of us, and generally strive to win peoples affections over. To be honest, it still kills me that some people I worked with refuse to even acknowledge me anymore, and although I should just let it go (I tend to feel more inclined to wonder what kind of people it shows them to be now), it is something that continues to nag at me. It's a whole other topic in itself but one certainly worth checking out, and I encourage you all to look at his official site here.
I caught up last week with an old friend of mine named Sandy, and he left a rather remarkable impression on me. For the past few years, he has been a NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programmer), which he states is "...the study of human excellence through modelling. It provides you with tools to break down a person’s behaviour through language and neurology and reprogram a person (including self) to create permanent change. Its origins are from behavioural psychology (specifically family therapy) and hypnosis. It has only been around for 20-30 years now and it has many applications from treating depression and disease to business negotiations and sales. In fact most large corporation’s nowadays will only hire NLP trainers to do their training. Anthony Robbins is a Master trainer of NLP so that should give you an idea of what it’s all about."
I came to see the similarities between this and Philosophy, since essentially, Philosophy is utilising concepts via words in order to activate thinking, and therefore trigger different mindsets or states of enlightenment. Or atleast, that is how i've always viewed it. And so i'm rather intrigued by this NLP, and perhaps will find myself looking into it in the not too distant future. As I was saying to Sandy, I feel like what I 'was' last year was ripped away from me. Now, what is left is a lot more open minded to new routes and avenues, and while i've found myself more vulnerable this year, due to the fact that i'm placing myself in situations where I need to learn and challenge what I do know, i'm finding myself open to risks, and feeling the old adage that nothing ventured was truly nothing gained. Sure, I miss what I did, working on music, feeling 'a part of it', and enjoy the status attached to the job. But what i'm doing now tends to feel more substantial and grounded.
Buying for Esprit has been a fantastic experience too. I'm actually really enjoying spending my weekends frolicking through second hand stores and markets with Ant giving me a hand. He has been fantastic with this, putting up with my bizarre attention span and picking up on what kind of things i'm looking for really quickly. In fact, both he and I have been training ourselves on what uniquely Australian releases some collectable artists have. For instance, did you know that The Beatles actually had a couple of albums released here with covers totally unique to this country due to the fact that EMI didn't have the correct artwork ready to go at the time? And most of us know that ABBA had many uniquely Australian picture sleeves for their albums and singles here, but learning all this just makes it seem all the more intriguing. I can't wait for the record fair in a fortnights time, and i'm finding that, as a fringe benefit, i'm spending less cause spending someone elses money is culling my spending urges. Still, if anyone has any items they wish to part with, that are Australian pressings in excellent to mint condition, then drop me a line here.
What else is left...? Music wise, i'm still addicted to Scissor Sisters. It's definitely the album of the year for me so far. I'm finding myself listening to the album religiously, and furthermore, desperately trying to convert all my friends too. We've been flicking between JJJ, Nova and FOX at work lately, so i'm actually feeling a bit more across the mainstream stuff lately, and know that I love The Rasmus, Kylie, The Dissociatives and Kelis, while i've dubbed Sarah Connor's 'Bounce baby out the door' as 'that English Nanny song'.
Best I stop ignoring my boyfriend and actually turn this thing off, or atleast put a DVD on for us both to watch. This really didn't give any indication of life for me lately... moreso just some of the things that seem to interest me lately. I'm sure you wouldn't care about my passion for Berry Bonaza smoothies at Viva Juice, or the fact that Looney Tunes have just released their collection of DVD's locally, or that blank DVD's are remarkably cheap at www.msy.com.au. Or that Citibank do a credit card with 4.9% pa on outstanding amounts you roll over from other credit cards (but still didn't give me enough limit to consolidate them all). Let's say life is about understanding finances and beginning to look at the future all the more seriously lately, which is a bit dull but probably essential.
So, till next time I struggle to think of anything interesting to say, drop me a line, or visit my 'other' site here, which is the companion to my weekly column and music review segments in Bnews/Melbourne Star and JOY FM 94.9.
