Got home last night to find Ant had already gone down the street, picked up paint charts, and was frantically running from room to room contemplating what would like right in each one. He kept asking me what I thought. I honestly have no concept of colour. I kind of know what wouldn't work, but generally have even less concept of what does work. I just kept reminding him that he has free reign to do as he wishes. He kept asking my opinion. I kept giving back a blank and entirely vacant look as I honestly have little concept. It's not that I don't care. It's just that I don't know. Ask me what music would work in a certain space and i'll have a hundred and one suggestions with relevant rationales... but colour... nah...
However, speaking of painting, thinking that I would like to go and see The Impressionist exhibition at the National Gallery this weekend, and suggested to Ant that we should check it out. What's that line from Clueless about Monet? "She's so Monet. It's fine from far away but up close, it's a big old mess..."
I've had a realisation lately of how much of a shift i've had in my priorities over the past few years. It sounds corny and slightly 'gay pathetic', but there is something very 'home' about what I have with Ant and Caspar; a bit like our own little family, and it does give me an enormous sense of contentment. I was listening to some of my favourite 'sad songs' this morning, and realised that, while I still liked them, many of them didn't seem to have the same meaning that they did when I was a fiercely independent single individual, pre-wrapped and 97% fat free. Listening to Renee Geyer singing about her backroom lying empty now and George Michael crooning about others having been loved, makes me realise that the significance of these songs for me were often that they articulated so much of my life. Not only my backroom, but for several months, my house lay empty. Pitifully furnished in the most tacky and sparse manner... not that it isn't still... but there is at least life in the house... when I come home and Ant is in the kitchen already preparing dinner... and Caspar suddenly races frantically into the room and does some strange doorway trapeze circus act... there is so much around me giving me joy, and in return, I want to give it back.
Ant and I hit our one year anniversary in about a fortnights time... for those curious, you can scroll back on the blog and read about the night I met him and the strange circumstances between him and my housemate Andrew, who moved in the same day that I met Ant. Small world. I guess none of us suspected on that day how long lasting the relationships formed would be. The real surprise out of all of this is Ant, who is possibly one of the most generous and genuine individuals you could hope to meet. In recent times, where even some people who I thought were friends amongst many fickle others turn out to be equally as... forgetful... it makes me really appreciate those people who are real with me even more. I've never liked anyone for the sake of convenience. I've never entered a job and befriended someone because the circumstances were there to do it. Befriend me once, and that friendship will be real forever. And honestly, I just can't comprehend how it could be any other way. I think that is why it is so confusing and intriguing to me, because I just can't understand how anyone stands to benefit from that mindset. So... yes... people around me... narrowing down.... but good. I think that's more important with the old quality over quantity.
So, anyway, back to Andrew/Ant/past year... a few weeks back, upstairs moved out. Now, I have to be honest, my immediate suspicion, and almost desire to be totally honest, was that Andrew and Mark would be curious to move in up there. I actually said to Ant that I would bet I would be asked for my landlords number within the week by Andrew, which I was, but apparently for someone else. It actually made sense; two couples living in a small two bedroom place? It does invade on privacy just a tad. And now with Caspar, concerns that this little vicious piece of fur that I love could interfer or disrupt their life in anyway plays heavily on me, although Andrew does love playing with Caspar, and Caspar, for that matter, loves playing with him. So, when Andrew came and said to me that he and Mark were thinking about moving upstairs, it came as little surprise to me (i'd been expecting it for a few months actually, if the truth be known), and totally gave it my blessing. I do adore Andrew and Mark's company. They truly are great companions. And I think the way this has worked out will prove to be benefitial all round. We still see them often; they're only upstairs... but at the end of the day, we both have our personal space too. And yes, obviously this means that Ant will be moving in with me. I know this breaks my 'two years AT LEAST before moving in rule', but rules are made to be broken and i've always believed the stronger rule is to go with the flow. Ant virtually lives with me anyway. The only difference here is that I gain a music room, we rearrange the master bedroom, and bring in more of 'Ant' to make it feel like 'our' home instead of 'my' home.
Michael and Jimmy are on the move too. I didn't actually know, and it seemed ironic that, had they known about upstairs, they probably would've applied for that... which I would've been thrilled about, having two of my closest friends being so close by. We had a spontaneous nightout last night, which was well overdue, which could also explain why i'm feeling so... blah... this afternoon. But last night was a lot of fun, and I honestly feel that it is impossible not to feel alive around those two. From the two way conversation to the disco dancefloor hugs, they're two of the most loveable and loving individuals I know.
I'm heading towards that dreaded month of birthdays. Being a Capricorn, I seem to befriend a lot of Virgo's. I admit, they rock as a star sign and we do tend to enjoy each others apprecation for organization and intelligent and witty dialogue, but it totally screws my budget! But when you have people like Michael Sakellaris and Lyle having birthdays... very hard to not want to celebrate having these people around and making them feel a little special. I'm really proud of Lyle lately, starting his own book business, and I just have this gut feeling that he has the smarts and the skills to pull all of this off in spectacular style. He's tactless, often says the wrong things, and can be the harshest judge of them all, and yet he manages to pull that all together into something appealing.
Well, i've reached that time in the blog where it feels like i'm just rambling and should just wrap it up. I guess it is grand that my most overwhelming feeling lately is one of contentment, but with a touch of restlessness thrown in to keep things spiced up and life interesting. I won't go down the now predictable and overused ramble I have on missing the music industry, not cause it isn't true but enough already... but I look at that industry now, and the people in it... the pressure they have... the expectation... the fickleness... I mean, i've been accused of many things, and some of them true - but atleast I was always genuine with people, and I think that counts for a lot. I hope they don't delude themselves into thinking what they're doing now, taking up too much of their life and their sanity, is actually going to mean anything when all is said and done. I can understand why it is easy to be fooled into thinking that... the feeling of contributing to someone's career... of being involved with something cool and wanted... of being on 'the inside'... the glamour and excessive lifestyle... but it doesn't actually mean anything. People won't look back on monumental albums and say, "Oh, the band were fantastic but the marketing, especially the point of sale, was just groundbreaking..." I guess my lesson learnt is if you confuse your job with your life, then there is a problem. I've been pleasantly surprised to see what can happen in your life when you readdress the priorities and channel some energy into other avenues, and I wish that blessing upon anyone that I care about.
Lastly, thank you to those souls out there that do still read this. Part of me writes cause I like to think people still read this, although I have no concept of who does, how often, how many intentionally do, blah blah blah. But for those that do, and for those that leave messages too, thank you cause you give me this cheap little thrill when that happens and it's like this thing really does feel more... real... or something. Look, just thanks - ok!
Quick plug - my review blog sit - www.soldonvanity.blogspot.com - please read and support cause it needs your love... give so that it may grow... you light up my life... what I did for love... and any other song title that inspires enormous hope, love, sharing, and five star ratings.
