As usual, as we count down a handful of weeks towards Christmas and New Year, I find myself sitting in the bedroom, wondering just where the year has gone and finding myself surprised at how quickly it seems to draw to an end. 2005... crazy year... I wouldn't say a bad year although it had more than it's fair share of tragedy through out it. But then, i've always been someone who has felt that these highs and lows keep us on our toes and i'd rather that than the same old uneventful routine many years tend to present. Those years offer you nothing... no feelings... no experiences... no learning... just getting up, going to work, working, getting home, eating dinner, going to bed, paying bills, watching the time just slip away until you get to the end and you're confused about what exactly it was you just went through and concerned as to why you're feeling this numb from it all. Surely amongst all that existence should be some feeling... you would think so, wouldn't you? Not always the case. Which is why years like this year aren't so bad, regardless of the highs and lows they make you feel.
So, what am I proud of? Well... i'm proud of the fact that i'm starting to save money and to get my finances under control. I've always sucked at that, and now I feel that i'm getting somewhere with it, although there is a long way to go. I'm proud of where Ant and I are at - over two years down the track and it feels like I still get something new out of this relationship constantly. I'm glad that I still find myself getting passionate about things, although I still do miss being really involved with them.
What aren't I proud of? Well... my weight definitely needs to be put under the microscope again. I really need to kick my self and exercise more. I'm not proud of the fact that I still don't feel creative enough; I have my half finished texts and keyboards perfectly capable of allowing me to write music, and yet I waste time with things that are so empty and pointless. And while I feel i'm on the right track, I feel the need to push myself more... to find that 'thing' that is me. This isn't to say that the life i'm leading now isn't satisfying, cause it is - and there are elements of it that I wouldn't change for anything... Maybe it is just the human condition to often feel that you still haven't found what you're looking for? I'd be more upset with myself if I gave up looking for that though.
I can't honestly tell you if I feel that i'm on the right track or not, though I have no urge to jump this road i'm on. Perhaps I just accept even more that 'it is what it is', and while I do feel the urge to look behind the couch or under the carpet, I do find myself far more happy to discover contentment with what I have. Life is what it is - we can only control 'it' so much, but we can control our take of it. And so it feels like the new beginning of the past couple of years (post-FMR for want of a better title) is closing and evolving into the next, cause the basis on which whatever next can grow is built on something solid cut from the past few years. Now I feel like i'm rambling, but I hope you can understand.
What you breath in now is life. You can either let it fill your lungs, or choke on it.
