So, here we are, a week after Mark's funeral, and things are beginning to settle back down again. I have to admit that I still feel somewhat surreal. There is this realisation that, after something that changes our lives happen, there is this disorientation as you look around the world and wonder why it is still happily spinning the same as it did before. I recognize that this is the same awkwardness I felt after parting way with FMR, wondering how they can so happily spin off like nothing ever happened leaving me feeling like my world had totally been torn apart. And again now, wondering how my family could feel this blow and notice that the rest of the world just seems to have it's same concerns - how to pay this bill, what's on television tonight and what's for dinner.
I'm still finding it a little hard to sleep. Most of the day, i'm fine, almost like everything that has happened over the past few weeks is just one bad dream. It's only when it gets late at night that reality is allowed to creep in, and often then I find myself feeling the loss the most. I remember watching Live 8, wanting for Ant to sleep, and just sobbing while Annie Lennox sang 'Why'. It's those private moments where I actually feel like I can just deal with it.
I do realise I want to get closer to my family. I always thought we were close but Pep's death has highlighted that I feel we could be closer, and that I do honestly love my siblings and crave their respect. In addition, there are so many images from our past that are spread amongst us and I hope to scan these and share them amongst us so that we can keep them digitally. I tend to forget much of my history until I look at these photos of this small kid from the 70's... bad, long hair... in usually very funky kinda clothing that I sometimes wish I could find now... and it's me. The collective share history of my siblings and I over recent years is rather brief, and it would be great to see more written there.
The car repairers said that my car was "about to go into the oven" yesterday. I now have images of me driving a giant cheesecake or twinkie. My car must be baked until golden brown and not too hard in the centre, or something like that.
I'm feeling like i'm getting back into the routine now though - wondering when I should get back to gym (hello, where is the motivation?) - people I need to catch back up with - all that sort of thing. I actually went out this past weekend, cause it had been so long, and after the recent events, felt like it was time to catch up with some friends and take in something different.
My lunch break is coming to an end so I feel like I should get back to floating candidates, schmoozing clients and thinking up some marketing tactics.
