I don't want this to come across as a negative post, but I get the feeling it will. Simply because I am just tired at the moment. And if the truth be known, i'm not even entirely sure why. I'm taking a five minute breather from work to write this, to stop thinking about the egos and the numbers and the requirements of my day to day working existence. I find myself swinging lately, from optimism through to just wanting to run away. After Landmark, it did give me some perspective on some more important things to focus my energy on, but I have to admit that the effects of that are beginning to wear again, and i'm finding some areas of my life, especially work, to be often a very negative experience.
Negative attitudes.
Short lived positives.
Lack of resources to assist me for when I feel like i'm drowning.
And in all, when this happens, a lack of feeling involved - too hard - disconnected - no passion - just disinterest and apathy.
And that AIN'T a good thing.
I need to refocus, and to find a passion for what I do. I did for a short while there, but I feel lately that work is just all about numbers - how many people I can interview - how many new clients I can see - how many existing clients I can schmooze - did I schmooze them the right way - why aren't they ordering - where are the hours - where are the perms - why haven't you got me a job - we can't go for that placement fee - think of the candidate; they want that job - all excuses, but no one there to actually stand by me and help me make that stand.
At the end of the day, it doesn't actually mean anything. I was saying to Ant last night that my home life is my saving grace. I love my home life. I love my partner. I love my cats. I love my home. I love my bed. I love no schedule. I find self worth and self acceptance in just being, as opposed to needing to prove myself with statistics, figures and hours achieved. Business is business, and that will always be a fact. But life is short - no test runs - no dress rehearsals - and we should always achieve happiness in every second we breath.
I have so much else to write about, but just wanted a moment to snapshot my mood now. It ain't pretty, but it's not vacant either, although passion is running on limited. I'm sure i'm not the only one who feels this way though, and I don't want to give the impression I hate my job, cause I don't. I don't want people to think that my superiors aren't fair, cause they are. I don't want people to think I don't care for my workmates, cause I do. But the reality is that it all could be so much better.
