And so I sit here, blankly staring at the screen, wondering where the hell to begin this. It's been a couple of months since I put fingertip to keyboard, and so trying to actually ascertain where, what, how to write... it's all a bit daunting. How about I start with this point - in the past couple of months, this has happened:
* Scissor Sisters and Good Vibrations Festival * Scissor Sisters interview with Babydaddy and Del * Scissor Sisters at the Prince Of Wales * Cher concert * Heading up to Sydney with Ant, Michael, Jimmy, Dale, Leon and Jon for Mardi Gras, sharing a 'family room' which was essentially the dungeon of a cheap motel on Crown St, and spending time with Margeaux. * Cath Haridy's 30th birthday * Bette Midler concert * Landmark Forum
...ALL of these are worthy of a blog entry on their own, so I feel in someways that i'm not really giving them the recognition they deserve. But I guess it does highlight a couple of points. Firstly, that i've been keeping myself busy. Secondly, that on the whole, life is good. The last of these, Landmark, has taken up the past three days. And when I say 'days', I MEAN 'days'. We would get in and start at 9am, and then work through till 10pm or later each night. I was warned when it started that it would feel like a rollercoaster sometimes, and there would be moments when I was 'getting it' and then other moments where I just thought it was the biggest crock imaginable. On the Friday, I was intrigued, but honestly didn't feel that I had heard anything that I hadn't known before. The Saturday was worse - I actually left feeling that they were playing on some guilt trip and honestly wondered if I would go back. I went over to Michael and Jimmy's afterwards, since they literally lived not more than metres away, and said, "Yes, I do have a revelation - that my life is no where near as f*cked as I would've suspected." But then it all redeemed itself Sunday, and I realised again that, while I knew pretty much most of what they were saying, it was the package and the way it was presented that made it so effective. It was like they were setting up this jigsaw puzzle but with the key piece missing in the middle, and then around 3.30 on the Sunday, they finally dropped that last piece in and everyone saw the complete image. You could've kinda guessed the image if you were looking on the outside, but the final part, which i've now come to refer to as 'the tag line', is fairly powerful. It was brilliant to hear so many people suddenly just 'get it' and come to grips with it in the room, and it made a few things click into place for me.
Namely, I still say that night of my 30th was one of the best nights of my life. When asked why previously, I would've gone on about my weight being right, or having the right job, or whatever other factors in the world I could contribute to it. But the real reason was that I had discovered how to 'be'. I wasn't living in the past - I wasn't even living in the future, I was just happy to 'be' in that moment. Then FMR happened, and my world as I knew it came to this holt, and I frantically struggled to redefine who I was and my place in the world. I felt the job gave me meaning, and spent time searching for something else to fill that void. And in the process, I got lost, focusing on the wrong things, feeling like a failure, and allowing myself to be brought down, replaying notions that I wasn't good enough, or weak, or boring, or not 'in the gang'. Seems when I was a kid and became last picked for any sports team, overhearing another kid say, "Don't pick Lawrence. He's shit", it had an effect on me that would see me push people away while aiming to succeed to be better than them. FMR was me in 'the cool gang'. And then when I was kicked out, I was back to being that last kid waiting to be picked for the team. And now, it just doesn't matter. If I use the education i've been given over the past three days, I can catch these reoccuring pitfalls as I mechanically put them into place, stop, and choose a better option to move my present being into. And then, when all that made sense, it was like a weight was lifted off me, and I felt this peace and quiet, and all the things I thought were important and that I had gone to Landmark to achieve seemed insignifcant and trivial. I went out last night and spent most of the night dancing, jigging around, and apparently even Michael and Jimmy commented to Ant that the transformation that had happened in both of us was extremely noticeable. So, yes, if anyone wants to know, it's worth the $480 to do Landmark because you can get something out of it. It's not therapy, it's an education, and the range and diversity of people I saw doing it over this weekend would astound you.
Speaking of astounding - Bette Midler! Oh my goodness! That woman onstage is just one of the most talented beings i've experienced. She had me laughing. She had me nearly crying. She was larger than life and just pure entertainment. Anyone who missed the show REALLY missed out cause she was just remarkable. Looking back over the other gigs of the year, Cher was good - exactly what I would expect - and a different kind of diva to Bette. I'm tempted to say Bette was better, but that would be unfair since they're so different - let's just say that they both do what they do extremely well. Scissor Sisters; well - they could do no wrong for me. This was easily one of my favourite albums this decade so far, and live, they were just equally awesome. I think Jimmy was especially impressed with them, not really knowing too much about them, and promptly got the album and DVD straight afterwards. They were just funny, and just fun - again, coming back to Landmark, they invite their audience to just live in the moment with them, and to create this indulgent, over the top, fun. They're not dance. They're not rock. They're not any one genre but a combination of everything and anything that takes that moment for them. Choices, my friends - we have them.
So, I feel I should move on for now. I can write about the extravaganza that was Mardi Gras next time, and about Ant watching me 'glow' as I caught up with old FMR friends at Cath's 30th. Till then - keep making those choices.
