Time for me to look back over 2004 and take it all in.
As most of my friends know, I don't do new years resolutions. Mostly due to the fact that I believe they're ultimately pointless, and that people rarely actually keep them. What I rather do is look back over the year, take it all in, make some sense of it, and create a new year motto that I can hold onto as a reminder of what I have learned from the year just gone.
And actually, this year has been one of the hardest in which to do this. 2004, in retrospect, was actually a rather good year. I think where my problem lies is in the fact that, as I turned 30, I had a pretty good idea of the direction I was going, and not long after that, all that was thrown out the window. While I enjoy my life now, it isn't what I thought I would be doing, and so there is often this internal battle for me between what I thought I would be doing and what I AM actually doing.
2003 was the year that I hit the ground, face full of gravel, and was stripped of so many of the elements that I thought 'me' was.
I had hoped that 2004 would be the year that I saw me 'running' again, but the reality of the situation is that 2004 was more about getting myself back up off the ground, brushing off the dirt, and beginning to walk again.
Does this mean that 2005 will be about building up a sprint?
I guess this is part of what I have to learn lately, being that I may have to stop pushing my expectations so high. I really do feel it is important to have expectations, and to make them of a high standard. But perhaps it is about being more realistic in my time frames.
As I entered my 30's, I could've swore it was going to be all about me... all about career... all about 'cutting edge'. And no more than two years later, it feels almost as far away from these criteria as possible. It's not just about me now, as it is also about Ant, and Caspar, and now little Sambuca (but more on him after). It is still about career, but in a very different way. I really liked feeling on top of my craft, and to be back in a position where I often feel like I have to relearn it all can often be frustrating and upsetting. But the music industry is in such a bad state, part of me is torn between following your passion and setting up solid foundations for a future alternative career.
I'm not sure what I want out of 2005 yet, and part of me is hesitant to actually even make a 'wish list', however I do know that I want it to be productive. I feel that there was often too much wasted opportunity in 2004, and often via my own fault. But I really want to try to focus on 2005, making it more creative, productive, and diverse.
As I hinted before, Ant and I have another new cat, which we've named Sambuca. We went to the cat and dog shelter over in North Melbourne, and from the selection of cats they had there, we both really liked this little black one who had a very cheeky attitude on him. He has had a rather dramatic week, being dropped off at the shelter with his sister on the 30th, desexed and vaccinated on the same day, and then Ant and I took him home on the 31st.
I was curious as to how Caspar and he would go together. Out of all of this, i've been so impressed with Caspar and it has really brought home what a beautiful natured little animal he is. He has only hissed at Sammy when Sammy has hissed at him, and Sammy is still mistaking Caspar's invitations to play as an attack. I had hoped Sammy might be a little more socialised, but I guess being an eight week old kitten can be hard. Caspar and Sammy have been playing paws under the door for much of the day and we're slowly trying to introduce them, but I can see it being a rather time consuming process. I'll try to get some pics up online as soon as I can get Sammy to sit still long enough for me to take a picture, but it has been hysterical letting Sambuca race through the house, this small fur ball burning fury as he runs.
Of course, it was Ant's birthday last night too, and I hope he had a great time. Ant is such a giving person that I think he often finds it hard to say when he wants something, and as a result, he rarely does get what he actually wants. Micheal and Matt, who threw the New Years Eve party last night, kindly got him a cake and ensured the party had a 'It's-Ant's-birthday' twist to it all, which I know he would appreciate.
Time for me to stop writing and to get back into the real world, but promise to try to update some more again soon. But to anyone reading this, I sincerely wish 2005 to be the year you all want it to be.
