Tonight, i'm fuelled on discontent. Tonight, I don't feel like keeping up the optimistic facade. Tonight, I feel pissed off at what my world has become.
Without realising it at the time, at approximately 5pm on Friday, July 18th, I was at one of the happiest points I could get.
I had a job I wanted. A job that gave me a sense of purpose. A job that made me feel like I was achieving something. A job that I was good at, and even better, getting to be great at. A job where I felt like I was hitting a new peak in my own abilities. A job with artists who I cared about and who I wanted to see succeed.
I had close friends who I felt respected by. Who I might get to see on the weekend. Who I felt like I contributed to their life.
I felt in control. I felt content. I felt like the world had laid me a challenge and I was actually beating it. I was winning.
I didn't need anything else. Cause this world was what I wanted. This world felt right.
Tell me - what is worse? To be poor and still have a job you love or to be in a job that you feel is slowly killing you through mind numbing boredom?
I am sure this is the lesson I am meant to learn through all of this.
I don't feel like I really have a sense of purpose anymore. I feel like a part of my soul has gone astray. I'm missing the music and the tunes that make me fly. I'm missing the person I was a few months back.
I feel like I was living in a world that was spinning around out of control. And then I fell off, and all I knew was that the world continued spinning on without me.
A week used to feel like a day. And now a day feels like a week. My old friends are in a different time zone. I can send a message but their world is too fast to always get back. It isn't intentional. Its just their world. But they don't realise how much it feels like they're spinning off away from me.
I feel sorry. And I can say with honesty that I am sorry. Because I don't feel like half the person I was. When the most interesting thing about my is pointless ramblings on a pointless website, lacking focus, substance or even direction - tell me how this should be something to be proud about? You tell me why I should be happy right now doing something I hate for not enough money while I miss my friends who continue to twirl in their world unable to comprehend my feelings of loss for them...
I sometimes get tired of keeping my chin up. I sometimes want to be a contradiction. I'm not asking for sympathy here cause I don't need it. I'm just asking for people to understand. I hate where this has ended up. But it is my reality that I have to deal with. It isn't like i'm the only person something like this has happened too. But it is the first time it has happened to me and god knows I should be allowed to say right now that I hate it. You can't get much more sorry than that.
